Harry Potter and the Pillow of Life
by Lord Spaghetti King of Potato
Summary: This actually hurt to write. My university society is having a bad fanfic contest because of My Immortal. This is the result. Everything about it is terrible. Read at your own risk. Non-explicit lemons within. I'm sorry.


Once apon a time...  
One day, Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes-san was walking to school when... ...a stranger in the street said "Could i have your autograph?" "Please, sign my Manakin " said the rather attractive female stranger "and my breasts please" Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes-san signed it, and handed it back "Here's my autograph!" said Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes-san "To be honest, while I did want your autograph...i also..you see..i...i...think your the sexiest person alive, and..." the stranger hesitated! I need your help urgently! You must save us!" "what?howhu?"  
"We need someone strong, and intelligent and mighty...you have been chosen!" "Well, I always felt there was something special about me...I never thought i would be assigned a mission like this!", He lied. "You are the our last hope. Our ancient Treecommanded us to find you"  
"You must save us from Lord Voldemort we dont have the power on our own" "Very well,I suppose I'll help you"  
Suddenly, Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes-san was sucked into a underground lab.  
"This is where we have set up our high tech secret HQ HeadQuaters!  
"Theres someone that wants me meet you..." At that movement a door slid open with a funny sound...light shined from behind and a shadow stode there "So..this is the one we are after?" "He certainly looks as hansome as we heard" "And sexy too!" "And with nice big equipment too, judging by the huge round lumps in the clothing"  
Harry Potter walked out of the light! "Welcome"  
Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes-san was amazed!, always brilliantly modest, Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes-san never dream of recieveing such a compliement from incredible Harry Potter. "Thank you, its an honour to meet you" "The honour is all mine" "It was clear there was an instant, animal attraction between them...allthough both didnt want to admit it. "holyshit your sexy". "No time for that now!" said Granger-san. "We have work to do!" -  
Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes stopped and gazed into space.  
Oh no.  
It was happening; He couldn't help thinking about Lord Voldemort again. He tried not too. Desperate to avoid the thoughts that could not be, no, - would not be- held back.  
But like dozens of unstoppable Ninjas they came creeping forward till they filled His brain;

Lord Voldemorts smile shined like Diamonds, as impressive as a Earth, it filled the Bungalow and Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes was helplessly but willingly absorbed into them.

Lord Voldemorts eyes were like you rolled them they would go quite far.  
(Almost as lovely as mine. lol!/AN)  
Lord Voldemorts legs were like a Skyscrapper. Straight and tight.  
(Mine are best though. Lol!/AN)  
Lord Voldemorts chest was like a Mercenaryss. Powerful and impossible to ignore.  
(For the purposes of this story, I am going to pretend that You-Know-Whos arnt as good as mine/AN)

How could Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes not be helpless in the face of that?.  
I mean, sure, Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes and Voldemort had sex with eachother before, when they met at a club once, but it was just a casual thing. One of many that night.  
Before things got too messy Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes snapped out of it. But the thoughts of You-Know-Who would be back. Would He be able to resist next time?  
-

Then our sexybloodthirsty gang knew what to do. They had to infiltrate the Dark Lord-san's phallic shaped volcano but in order to do so, they had to wear a disguise.

Harry thought long and hard about the best disguise. They couldn't be too obvious or threatening because then the Dark Lord-san's guards could catch them. But they couldn't look too mundane because then Lord Voldemort's guards would never let them couldn't go naked, as they were likely to be Sex.  
No... they had to be clever.

So Harry Potter, after a suggestion from Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes-san, came up with the best idea he had: they would dress up in gothic clothes!  
Harry Potter's friends were a little skeptic at the idea, but they all agreed it was for the best. But where would they get the best gothic clothing to surprise the guards with?  
Hermione Granger knew exactly the best store to go: TBurtons.

So they all went there in the dread of the night and took out the patrolling store guards with their silenced cross bows, 'paw!' 'paw!', leaving only a single red dot in their forehead Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes-san deactivated the alarm and so they could easily get into the store and take whatever they need in order to infiltrate Lord Voldemort's headquarters

Harry put on nice tight redleather pantsthat made his trouser lump stand out in an eye-pleasing way. . Then a black tanktop with My Chemical Romance's logo on the back and on top of it all a nice long leather coat with blood-red streaks on the side. Then he painted his nails black and used red blood to draw little drops of blood on there Hermione Granger wore a short red skirt with long black stockings that had holes where the toes would go so she could still paint her toenails. And she also had a corset made from dragons gut that looked so awesome on her. Over this all she had a long leather coat. Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes-san also had cool clothes (A/N but I'm running out of imagination to describe it, so I guess he looked like Neo from the Matrix i know it's an old movie but those clothes look soooo cool)

Finally they were ready to face You-Know-Who!

-  
Interlude:  
Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes was finding it really hard to concentrate at this movement his thoughts kept trying to think of You-Know-Who. Despite what was happening, it was hard to focus!

-  
And then, at the worst possible moment. It happened. Again.  
Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes gazed at Voldemort.  
It was impossible to resist this time. Like a Nissan leaf Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes was pulled towards Voldemort. It was a like Breakout in a war. It was a like a Dessert eagle piercing through His heart. (and other lower regions of the body) It was a like magnets.  
There was No resisting. No mercy. No Pants. No longer anything else mattered.

You-Know-Who looked shocked and then...and then...not shocked. He had known all along.  
Of course. How could Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes have been so stupid? Those long looks at eachother,the times they gazed at the stars together, the candle lit dinners. The steamy showers.. The non stop sex.  
It wasn't just friendship. It never was. It was more and You-Know-Who had known all along.  
"I knew" Lord Voldemort said.  
"oh" Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes said, realizing all this for the first time.  
But there was more...You-Know-Who wasn't pulling away. He was pushing tighter. Holding Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes like a wild Orca.  
At some point their clothes came off.  
They got ripped in the process of the pashioning He didn't care. This is what he had needed for so long. too long. Second. maybe more.  
But this was now now. Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes and You-Know-Who together at last!  
They canoddled like lovers and made love with their naughty bits.  
They took it in turns inserting their bits into eachother. Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes inserted his bit into You-Know-Who. Then Voldemort inserted his bit into Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes. They repeated this a few times.(Toys were used)

Afterwards (when they had finished cleaning their bits)they looked at eachother as if for the first time and had a cigarette.  
But they knew they must leave.  
They didn't want anyone to see.  
Their forbidden love must remain hidden for now. Perhaps forever.  
Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes took one last look at Lord Voldemort.  
"Goodbye my snuggly one"  
"Love you too, my one and only Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes"

And then they departed.

"You can never beat me, Im invincible," said Voldemort "Oh I beat you villain you, youll run back crying to your momma. The sexy one (that is,the one that wasnt slaughtered) (which you can read about in my other great fanfic)  
"Mhuahahaaha I dont need no mother, I am after all adopted". After that, Harry Potter leaped down onto the volcano plato of doom , with Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes-san just behind him.  
He was in luck because he just managed to jump on it but didnt fall in it. It would have been a short story if he fell in it. There was lava all around him. The hotness made him sweat with anticipation. Lord Spaghetti King of Potatoes-san called to him: "are you alright lover, you fell quite hard". "I am always hard for you baby!" "Im an expert at falling," spoke Harry Potter, "especially with girls."' At that moment lava erupted around him like a climaxing penis.  
Voldemort stood looking at our hero with his cape flapping in hotness.  
He beared an expression of smugness. "I had told you, I am invincible, I cannot be killed, I cannot die, I cannot breath. And I have this!"'  
Suddenly he held the Horcrux aloft.  
"This is what you want!

This is what you need! But its mine now. You cant stop me.'  
"Noo...not the Horcrux" "Yes. The Horcrux" "The Horcrux!" gasped Hermione Granger "Yes. The Horcrux" Suddenly a bolt of lightning went through in the air, strikking left and right but not hitting the lava plato they were all standing on. The Villain lit up dark in the flash of lightning. His features scary. Laughing as he stood there, he approached Harry, "Give up and go home, Hermione doesnt love you anyway." "Thats not true! I sex her every other night!" "And the other nights?..." Potter-san ran forward and fought him (by slashing into him while You-Know-Who evaded his attack and shoot fire from his fingertips) But every time he hit You-Know-Who, he just smiled and hit him back. In between dodging lava ejectulations, Lord Voldemort said: "You cannot beat me, join me, and we will rule together!"  
"NEVERRRRRRRR!" He YELLED HARD! "Then you will lose, and I will win and destroy everything you care for."  
"I HATE YOU!" said Potter-san and ran towards him with his 12 inch weapon drawn. "Pathetic human, you can not beat me since I have this Incinerator!"" "No?! You have created it?! What have you done?!" "Oh it was just a simple thing. With the help of your friend," He said while dodging another lava ejactulation, "I finished it just yesterday. Oh my, a lovely night we had. "Me and my full 10 inches,oh yes."  
"Your a monster and you will die, you monster!" Harry ran towards You-Know-Who, just dodging a fire ball, leaping towards a plato in the lava, dodging a lava ejaxtualatuion, landing on a rock He surfed like Legolas in Lord of the Rings on his skateboard towards the villain again, who in turn laughed out loud and smirked and took another fireball in his hands because he really wanted to kill the Harry

"NOW!" SHOUTED our hero and his female companion lifted her top and You-Know-Who was distracted by the bouncing blobs of womanflesh. Using this to his outmost tactical advancement Potter-san grapped Horcrux from You-Know-Who and stabbed him in his eyes Blood gushed out.  
"Owch! While I had the Horcrux I could not be harmed. But now it was taken from me I can and was and it hurt"  
He staggered around and grabbed into the air, he was dying. "You are all dooomed, doomed! You will die and I will see your death come to you and your family and your families family family." Suddenly an ejacturalition of lava sprung up and whooshed him with its flames, leaving behind only ashes and his shoes. "Oh, you are my Hero!" squeeled Granger-san and embraced him. "If only a single thing survives, his evilness will spread and evily corrupted the goodness of all good people" And he kicked the shoes into the lava.A skullformed smoke went up from the lava and went away as quickly as the shoes were kicked into the lava.  
"Harry Potter , Harry Potter, I love you! But we only have 5 seconds to escape before this volcano erupts!" "Then quick, we must leave and leave this place behind, said Harry Potter and left this place behind." Just in time, when the last second of the clock was about tick, Potter-san and the sidekicks got out and everything crashed behind him, leaving only smoke and dust and stones behind in the rubble." And they all made loveby fucking eachother. Meanwhile...a hand slowly emerged from the lava...  
The End or is it? (its not!)


End file.
